What’s “Genuine Gratitude” in 2020?!
You might have to dig to find it. But it’s there.
If you’re like me at all, you might wince when you hear the word “gratitude.” In the midst of crisis and loss, the question “Well, what are you grateful for?” can feel like a slap in the face. But this is different, and to show you what I mean I want to tell you about the scariest day of my life. It was in early January of this year, and my son’s fever had spiked. At the time, he was only 18 months old. My husband and I had been awake with him most of the night. But when he had gotten some rest and it was finally time for breakfast, my husband took him downstairs and let me sleep in. At least that was the plan. A little while later, I’d just woken up and was pulling myself out of bed to start the day. It was the day before The Big Day that I was going to go in and sign my exit papers at the company I had worked with for 12 years. Then, all of a sudden, I heard my husband screaming.
Oh God. Oh no. Oh God.
I could hear, no...feel the fear in his voice. As he was running up the stairs, I ran out to meet him in the hallway. He was holding on to our son for dear life and frantically telling me to call 911. There, clutched in my husband's arms, my son was just uncontrollably shaking. And at that moment, I realized that our baby was having a seizure. He had never had a seizure before. I had never even seen a seizure before that wasn’t in some kind of tv show. It took the longest minute of my life to get to the keyboard screen on my phone. My fingers wouldn’t do what I needed them to do. I even misdialed 911 on my first try. Throughout all that, no matter how much I willed it, my son’s tiny body would not stop shaking.
Of course, we had no idea what to do to stop it. We didn’t know at the time that there wasn’t much we could do to stop it. My husband thought that maybe it was the fever; and if we could cool him down then maybe the shaking would calm down too. He jumped in the shower -- all his clothes still on; all the baby’s clothes still on-- to get him under some cool water. By then the ambulance was pulling up to the house. So my husband put our son (now dripping wet) in my arms and I ran outside with no shoes on, in my bonnet, and in my (now dripping wet) pajamas. I ran to the paramedics and just screamed and screamed, “Something is wrong with my baby, please help him!”
I lost track of how many excruciating minutes passed. Over and over again, I watched the paramedics try to hold my son still enough to jab a needle into his poor little leg. At this moment, this mommy NEEDED her mommy! It was a Sunday, and my mom is a preacher. I dialed her number, needing to ask for her prayers, but no one was answering the phone. By this point the neighbors were standing outside trying to see what all the commotion was about. And there I was, wanting to hear my mom’s voice, and desperately willing the seizure to just please stop.
My husband and I are probably more scarred by this experience than our baby will be. That night, we sat in the children’s hospital while they held our son overnight for observation. He was ok, but needed to spend the night because the seizure had lasted more than one or two minutes. As we were sitting there, an ocean of doubt flooded into my mind. Tomorrow was still The Big Day! I had scheduled the scariest leap of my career just after what had turned into the scariest day of my entire life. I doubted everything. I didn’t have a plan for this. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t move forward. Can I really give up my insurance right now?
We brought our son home from the hospital. The next day, as scheduled, I went in and signed my exit papers. A few days later, still processing the experience and trying to keep the doubts at bay, I had a call with my coach. She had the audacity to ask me this question: What did I learn to be grateful for in this experience? You could hear my eyes rolling for miles. Lady, what is your problem? My son had a seizure! He had to go to the hospital! The only thing to be grateful for is that it’s over! But she pushed, and I didn’t hang up on her (almost, but didn’t). Once my blood stopped boiling I took a breath, and then I answered, “My husband and I are an amazing team. Even in a panic, we GET. STUFF. DONE. We can handle anything together. We’ve got it covered.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve leaned on this experience this year. Anytime I feel that all hope is lost or that things can’t get worse, it reminds me that whatever comes my way I am — we are — equipped to handle it. That allows me to step up, and get to work. Amid all the losses that this year has brought us, that lesson is one of my gains. So even if you roll your eyes a little, I challenge you to answer that question: What are you genuinely grateful for this year? It might be someone unexpected who showed up for you. It might be your own resilience, and your capacity for joy! Remember: Don’t fake or force your gratitude! You might have to swim through some emotional muck to find it, but I promise you it’s there. When you find it, let what you’re grateful for be your springboard into 2021.
